Seems that you can't turn on the TV or log on to the internet today without being blasted with the latest story of what music artist is running the illegal substance gauntlet...straight into rehab. Try it. I dare ya. Go type musician drug bust in any search engine and let me know what you find. I'll wait. Nothing? Well, just hang on a minute, I'm sure something will pop up. And I'll tell you what, we won't even count Britney.

Now there is even a show called Celebrity Rehab, where a group of "stars" (and I use that term loosely, but give Daniel Baldwin a pass cause he did a few episodes of The Sopranos) sit around discussing their problems while the camera rolls. Just to be clear, I'm not making light of this in any way. Rehab is a serious issue. It's just that I'll take my therapy behind closed doors, thank you, not programmed between Bret and Flava.

So who's first in line to get their Official Jim Morrison Merit Badge for this past year? Why of course, it's Amy Winehouse. Hands down. Come on baby, light my fire . . . online, naturally. All she needs to do now is grow a beard and move to Paris. Seriously though, her success can be explained by good old fashioned arithmetic.

Retro voice + beehive hairdo + jazzy backing band + hot producer + cool lyrics = hit. Add copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, and that equals . . . mad headlines! Yes, this equation sells records (or moves units, in industry speak), and this IS the music business, but the personal downward spiral that has come with all of her adulation and awards has been both staggering and sad to watch. When whether or not she was or wasn't gonna play the Grammys is the biggest story of the show, music is in trouble. Big time.

The runner up? Pete Doherty. How many chances does this guy get? I swear Mr. Babyshambles gets busted like every other week. There he is coming out of court again, wearing that hat, given just one more chance. Funny, the other day I saw a guy get cuffed and stuffed in a sting operation that went down a few streets over from where I live, and something tells me that guy's not gonna get as many lifelines thrown to him as sneaky Pete has.

Oh and let's not leave out the rap contingent. Lil' Wayne, meet the Border Patrol. The self-proclaimed (nice!) "Best Rapper Alive" was recently arrested when his tour bus was stopped at a checkpoint in Arizona and officers allegedly found marijuana, cocaine, and Ecstasty. Wow! Drugs? On a tour bus? Say it isn't so. Forget about waiting for the 3:10, just get him out of Yuma!

All of these artists are missing a vital ingredient in their biographies however. And to illustrate this I will reference the one individual who has risen, or sank (depending on your perspective) above all others. He is the undisputed illegal substance heavyweight champion of all time. The person by which all others are measured. Yes, I'm talking about the one, the only, original street-fighting man, Mr. Keith Richards. Simply put, no one comes close. Dying is easy. Living, that's the real miracle.

In the bible of rock and roll history, he is the Immaculate Conception, the burning bush, and the parting of the Red Sea, all rolled into one. This guy claimed to have stopped taking drugs, not for health reasons, but because they "weren't strong enough." How do you top that? You don't. And on top of that, you write about 25 of the greatest rock riffs ever. I guess that's the thing. Here's a guy who's done his share, your share, my share, everyone's share of every drug known to man, including supposedly snorting the ashes of his own father, and still found time to write Satisfaction AND Sympathy For The Devil AND Gimme Shelter AND . . . you get the picture!

Now I, in no way, advocate drug use, however, I am a junkie for rock and roll, and to that end, Mr. Richards, I salute you. In contrast, the majority of today's pop idols busted for drugs will be forgotten by the time you're done reading this.

I can't honestly sit here and say the stress of being a musician, in particular the pressure to succeed as such, has not made me want to reach for the . . . uh, whatever, however I am gonna tell you that it can be done without it. Guys like Ted Nugent and Gene Simmons have been rock stars for over a quarter century and both claim to have never been either drunk or high. They've just aimed their psychoses elsewhere. For Ted, it's been big game. For Gene, it's been . . well . . 3,000 and counting.

So let's not rush to blame society or the music business in general for these artists' indiscretions. It's their choice. No one is putting a gun to anyone's head and making them take a hit or do a line. At least now that Rick James is gone. R.I.P. Superfreak!

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No. 1 :

These newbie stars of today can't hold their drugs like the old-schoolers. Have you noticed when these guys clean up, their music starts to suck?

Submitted by Gildenstern • 2008-03-11 14:57:30

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